My Job

Currently I'm working for a company that makes rain coats for dogs. This is not a joke. I mean, it is a joke, but it is also true. I'm helping them get to the point where they can embroider their dog raincoats, which is the obvious next logical step. This revelation about my employment should go a long way toward explaining how my life is going at the moment.

Secretarian Violence

We had some exciting civil strife today at my downtown office. My Kurdish Secretary blew a snot rocket at our Sunni Secretary, who blamed it on the Shia Secretary. It was secretarian violence at its finest. I was told by my boss that it was a mistake to hire 3 secretaries , each from a different Iraqi ethnic group. He didn't even understand why I needed 3 secretaries, let alone 3 Iraqi secretaries, given that I'm just a temp doing data-entry. Whatever. He's a boring gob-stopper fatty fat fuck.

A Cure for Sunday Night Dread & Monday Morning Blues

Do you feel overcome by a sense of gloom and dread every sunday as the sun sets? Does the realization the your weekend is over make you want to cut yourself? If so, then you are not alone, and your suffering does not have to continue, as I have the solution. All you need to do is think of something cool to do at work on Monday morning. Print a bunch of pages out and press your ear against the printer. Or maybe count some pennies on your desk. It's all a matter of planning.

Mattingly Denies Accusations of Leagueism

Baseball great Don Mattingly angrily denied charges of leagueism from his ostrich farm yesterday. Former team mate Dave Righetti claims in his new book, the LA Times best-seller "I played Baseball", that Mattingly openly and unabashedly preferred the American League to the National League during his years as a Yankee, and would often refer to the members of the National League as "those people". Mattingly claims to have several friends from the National League, but when asked to identify them, he went berserk, screaming "I don't have to name any of them stupid national league bastard thugs"

Which would you rather

I recently spent 28 years in America, and, to pass the time, some of my american friends came up with this game I like to call "what would you rather".... I'll start you off with a classic:

Would you rather have a black eye for the rest of your life, or get punched in the balls once per day for the rest of your life?

Your Cab Dispatcher Revealed

Remember that taxi cab dispatcher who was such a dick to you on the phone that night? Well, I took his picture yesterday at the local ice cream parlor. He's ugly. I can see now why he's such a dick to people. Don't worry... Some late rainy night he'll need a cab and some other guy will be a dick to him. Unless he calls his own cab company in which case they'll know him and probably joke around and get him a cab right away. But maybe he'll hit his face on something hard.

Another Olympic disappointment

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse for the beleaguered US Olympic team, we've experienced the most profound embarrassment of all. In a scheduling snafu, disqualified skeleton athlete John Oppenheimer took to the ice in the female figure skating competition, believing the event to be a fundraiser for slaughtered and displaced birds. The judges, this year comprised of rudimentary robots rather then corrupt eastern-bloc humans, assumed, incorrectly some would say, that Oppenheimer was Michele Kwan, who 10 days earlier bowed out of the competition due to groin issues. The robot judges, which were designed by even less sophisticated robots, were programmed to recognize absurd situations, but tragically not this one. In accordance with the flawed programming algorithms, Oppenheimer received a perfect score, but was unceremoniously zapped by lasers on the medal stand. For more on this topic, click here, but not before reading the rest of doobie schlitz.

FasTrak Vs EazyPass

On the east coast, they call it EZ Pass. On the west coast, we call it FasTrak. Whatever you call it, I learned my lesson the hard way: You absolutely should not assume that you can drive off the edge of a bridge just because you have one of these devices.

The Forgotten Victim of The Cheney Bloodbath

Much has already been written about Cheney gunning down his friend, supermarket mogul Texas "Tex" Whittington. Much of the media fury has been focused on some key, still unanswered questions: Did Cheney have a hunting license? Was he drunk? Is it true that he poured the remainder of his Mickey's 40 Oz. malt beverage in Mr Whittington's fresh wounds, as widely reported in this blog post several words ago? Did Mrs Whittington , in a mixture of confusion and creativity, really throw a bridal shower upon hearing the news? How could Cheney have gotten off three rounds from that school books depository? Lost in all of the discussion, however hecka valid it may be, is the fate of Cheney's intended victim, Dan Quayle. It is well known and widely acknowledged that current and former vice-presidents often hold one another in contempt. Al Gore famously bit the face of Carter's VP, Walter Mondale, reportedly after Mondale called Gore's wife a whore-bag. And who among us doesn't remember where he or she was when Millard Fillmore's VP, Blanche Peters, used his sharpened finger nails to pick the nose of Benjamin Harrison's VP, Toby McGrateful? Indeed, such fiery displays of VP rivalry are as American as baseball and pad thai. But did Cheney take this tradition too far when he hunted for Dan Quayle? Lucky for all of us, he missed his target, and shot some lawyer instead. Quayle took it all in stride, and still attended his brother's graduation from space camp later that afternoon.

"Bourbon" & "Soldier" no longer straight-forward words in the English language, all other words just fine

It's really too bad, but the words "bourbon" and "soldier" have now been temporarily removed from any former contextual meaning within the English language, and are now free as a snake. "It's probably for the best," observed one 'Aderol Nick' Delpesco, "but it's still a bit unnerving." Meanwhile, words such as khaki, pirate, and nag still mean the almost the same things they always did. Slorp your frunk if you're getting crelish.

Elections Right Around The Corner

After months of speculation, the Donut Barber has decided once again to run for position of Vice Barber after scandalous acusations against his practical methods in hair cuttery. Deciding to keep a crust upper lip, the Donut Barber, also known as Neil to his friends, has pushed ahead in the prelectorial precisions. More to come as the elections continue.

Winter Olympics

The winter olympics got off to a smashing start yesterday in London, England. I love this year's theme: "London 2012".... The imagineers from the IOC are giving us a glimplse into "sports from the future". My favorite future sport, and I hope this one really does come to fruition some day, is "Slap Carl Reiner in the Face Ball". Participants from 5 teams compete at once, taking turns pelting the beloved star's face with comically oversized, sopping wet rubber hands. Then Carl Reiner has to swallow a kickball.

Dissapointing Vacation

I was very dissapointed with my last trip to the big apple. Don't waste your money, folks. I was expecting big buildings, muggers, taxi cabs, subway trains, the statue of liberty, 8 million people, etc. In reality, it's literally nothing more then a rather small, crappy cake shaped like an apple with the words "The Big Apple" written in vanilla frosting. Can you believe that poop? I can't understand why rent is so high- there are no houses. But the most tragic aspect of this saga has nothing to do with The Big Apple, per se, and everything to do with my love affair with veal parmesan: My doctor says I have to stop eating it or he'll punch me in the heart.

Business Advice From A Seasoned Pro

Tips # 500 & 501 for success in the business world:

500: Never Gather. When you Gather, you make a GATH out of E and R.

501: Write your appointments in a great big calendar book.

Balls To The Walls

Toronto Raptor, Antonio Davis, lost a thought ability match to a large leather ball. No one was hurt except the integrity of the game... and jazz great Al Jolsen.

Some Flight Jokes

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q: What do you call a plane that decides to grow a beard?
a: A Hairier Jet
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q: How can you tell if a plane is Italian?
a: It's got hair under it's wings
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q: when is a plane not a plane?
a: when it's not a plane
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q: what's grosser then gross?
a: a plane
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did you notice that post about Yao Ming? It was from TJPANAMAKER, the new, new dude.

Old Yeller Destroys...Yet Again

In a devastating turn of events, Yao Ming used his sonic scream to kill two referees and a family of four, as the Houston Rockets lost their fourth straight game to the Cincinatti Marmadukes. When asked what persuaded his temper to flare in such a way, Ming stated, "I know not what I have done, but what I shall become."

Boring Bowl: your ex-post-facto predicitons

Superbowl XL turned out to be nearly as exciting as an imaginary silent void. That's not to say it didn't have its moments... The trouble is, its moments were boring, dreadful, dull and fucking horrible. So, in an attempt to salvage this colossal disaster, I would like you all to submit, via the comment button, your predictions for the Superbowl that just happened. You heard me right: I want you to tell me what you think the score is going be to yesterday's game. The person who comes closest to the actual score wins the opportunity to post a picture of their dog, house or car on this blog. If you run a business, that's great.

Tax Time Tax Tips

It's that time of year again, when Old-Man-IRS sticks his pointy nose into your life sandwich. Lucky for you, doobie schlitz has your tax time tax tips for taxes.

1) don't pay in bricks; alternatively, you can pay in heavy bricks

2) print CLEARLY on your form- don't barf.

3) everyone messes up

4) multiply your salary by 100, and pay that amount to your dog in the form of food that is normally reserved for people, such as hot chicken.

5) don't die in jail