Andromeda Galaxy skittish about colliding with our own Milky Way

Recent composite images taken from the Hubble Space Telescope and NASA's Spitzer Space Telescope indicate that our nearest neighboring spiral galaxy, M31 or the Andromeda Galaxy, may be having second thoughts about its anticipated collision with our own galaxy in approximately 3 billion years. Scientists notice a slight hesitation in the galaxy's recent movements (by recent, they mean 2.5 million years ago since the current observed light left the galaxy then). A consensus has yet to emerge within the scientific community on whether or not the galaxy will still mosey on down toward our own thereby wreaking major fucking havoc on the otherwise run-of-mill, star birth, star death happenings going on in our own placid little corner of the tumultuous universe at large. Actually, stuff's been going down of late that makes all galaxies tremble before the mighty wrath of Zoooooooooool!!!!! What do you think? Write your answers on a starburst wrapper and throw them at the sun.

I've got an itch on my Hetch Hetchy

Hetch Hetchy reservoir supplies a large percentage of the drinking, showering and ice cube water for San Francisco. The name irks many hikers in the Yosemite area, though, including myself. Such a name is really gross and too hetch-y. But it seems SFer's have no compunction whatsoever about drawing their water from such a krangly-sounding source. I, for one, am exercised about it. So next time you SFer's drink or shower or whatev--just remember: Hetch Hetchy is sitting up there bored as hell and fairly cold.

Thoughtful polar bear apologizes for eating bloody carcas, vows to attempt vegan diet

Rodney "the Big Bear" Polerberg, originally from Patterson, NJ, expressed remorse at having "chomped" a large adult seal near the North Pole. He expressed interest in trying out a new vegan diet that's increasingly popular among polar fauna. The seagulls, meanwhile, were like, "Fuck that, yo!" The seal unfortunately would not agree to be interviewed because it had been dismantled.

Paulie Walnuts asked to help out Philadelphia Eagles

"Fuckin Parakeets needed my fookin help... AAaaaah, Fuck you!"

Lee's Raises Prices

Being poor, I enjoy the slop at Lee's Deli from time to time to time. Recently, they raised the price of their salad bar/buffet to $5.45 per lb. That's a lot for slop.

Order of Lasers

I'm sure that San Francisco's energy is supplied by lasers, though I'm not sure what the yellow one does.
The red ones make the bakeries smell fresh.
The blues are what allows laundromats to stay open past 8.
The gaps between the lasers serve a dual purpose, causing scandals and vocal harmonies.

Gonzalez In New Photo!

Embattled Attorney-General Alberto Gonzalez was recently seen smiling in front of the American flag, leading insiders to speculate that he's feeling great, and is still American.

TALES OF MY YOUTH...PART 1

When I was younger, my mom hired David Bowie as my babysitter. He made me call him "Jareth the Goblin King" and wrote Ziggy Stardust while he pushed me on the swings. My mom had to fire him when she found out he let me roam free inside the labyrinth. My mom just doesn't get rock and roll.

HAVE YOU BEATEN LEVEL ONE?

IF NOT GO $#%@&*! YOURSELF!!!

MAN-A-TEE

A young seal pup was able to rescue a very suprised drowning Manatee from the depths of the arctic.