What about this? Can this go unchecked? Hello?

Robert Bork.

Rule Britannia

God save the Queen, and god help us all if I can't find the snackwich maker that my brother and I used to enjoy. The machine was a sort of proto-George Forman grill that made these hotass hot cheese snackwiches--essentially lava-hot grilled cheese pockets of searing mouth agony. Damn were those bitches tasty though. Anyway, I got off track. My point for this post was to say "hurrah for the cross-pond krangulation!" I welcome it. I'm not well though. I mean, I'm pretty okay, but I'm feeling a little worn out and generally in need of a Tiger Woods type of restart to my life. One last detail about Britain: I used to hang the Union Jack in my room as an adolescent. Why? Because I loved the Beatles, Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, and Jimi Hendrix. Hendrix was Israeli, I know, but I really dug the color scheme on the Jiggity Jack boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Ah, fuck this post. Peace.

Matsui Sleeps Alone Tonight

New York Yankee Hideki Matsui brought dishonor to his team when, with the bases loaded and 2 outs in the bottom of the ninth inning, he fell asleep standing at the plate.

In a rare moment of supreme sportsmanship, several Orioles players skipped their customary victory hot-dog party, and fashioned a makeshift vertical bed out of cones and dirt, so that Matsui could slumber peacefully.

Matsui reported an excellent night of sleep, save for his dream that a turtle ate his face.
He was awoken by real turtles practicing turtle-ball.

hope springs eternal

The SF weather of late has been hella nice. If you are child, its merely been hecka.

1906: Lessons Learned

The recent retrospective coverage of the 1906 Earthquake has awakened me to the need to prepare some basic provisions in the event of another grave disaster. To that end, I have made an edible disaster kit, and I have eaten that disaster kit. The vital supplies of the kit, such as duct-tape, sugar, canned fish and glass, are now secured in my stomach, and will soon be broken down and integrated into my body's cells during digestion. (confirmed by the best knee surgeon) Within 2 weeks, each of my thousands of cells (indeed, 10's of thousands) will individually posses all of the contents of my edible disaster kit. My body's preparedness decentralized, I'll be more nimble and efficient.

bonus treat provided by unkown lady sally corn: a photo of san francisco taken by mark twain moments before dinosaurs caused the great earthquake.













The green hill you see is not the headlands; those were built in the 1950's. Scientists now beleive that what you are seeing is the head of a clever dinosaur, about to stomp.

The Sputnik Game

Wanna play a cool game? Type "sputnik" into google, search for images, then see if you can identify the two images that clearly do not fit with your expectations. Please send all feedback/reactions/scotch to grovel@morp.org

Craftmatic Dilemma: The VCR, the Color TV, or the Microwave?

Yeah right.

Phishing is bad (and wrong)

Seems sad to say I told ya so, but it appears that Phish is still bad. According to a CNN article from 1648, Phishing is on the rise and it's as illegal and immoral as ever. Check out this CNN blurb from a CNN article from today's CNN:

Even the commissioner of the New York State Department of Taxation and Finance got one of the phishing e-mails -- on his government computer.

"This phishing scheme is exploding, it's a reflection of how brazen these crooks have become," Commissioner Andrew Eristoff said.

"Here they are targeting a tax administrator with a tax refund scam. Unbelievable," he said.

It really is unbelievable. But should Phishing actually be illegal? That depends, I suppose. Like, I would have made following Phish illegal from around 1992 to say August of 1995. After that, it would have been legal to follow them until around 1999 or 2000 at the latest, at which point people would simply have to go back to following the Lord. Shit man, I mean, what exactly IS your fee to drive me to Firenze?

taxes

taxes are due monday. this year I am claiming my entire life as a deduction. i'm just playin.

Fed Chief Releases Surprising Economic Report

Newly crowned Fed King Ben Bernanke released a surprising annual report today. But the report was not surprising for what it revealed about our economy (100% of farmers are farmers, unchanged from last year). It is the report's new format which is raising eyebrows. Theories run rampant as to the reason he chose the whimsical motif. Unconfirmed reports indicate that Mr Bernanke was trying to send a subtle message that he plans on raising the interest rate at which the federal reserve bank lends money to cartoon characters.

Janet Speaks

Through her agent, Janet from 3's Company has provided an exclusive interview to doobie schlitz's new branch, "doobie schlitz on the scene".

DS: So, Janet, what's up with Jack? Are you guys getting it on?

Janet: No Way! He's good in the kitchen, but not in my kitchen! Ya Feel me?

DS: You goof-ball!

Janet: Guilty slut! (me!)

Janet: And now for that T-bone you promised....

Bolton disappointed to have missed Calexico show

"I can't believe I missed that show"

President Bush had answer "the whole time"

President Bush recently told reporters at the UN that he "knew the answer all along," but that Kofi Annan wouldn't call on him. The President said it was "totally unfair" and that "he never gets called on anymore." Meanwhile, John Bolton was wondering who was at the Great American Music Hall this weekend (Calexico? Nah, that was in like '03...) while Condi was wondering if anyone thought she was picking her nose, which, in fact, she was. Fittingly, the "answer" Bush knew was: Chicken Teriaki, Rice & California rolls.

DAH dah dah dah dah, DAH dah dah dah, DAH dah dah dah, dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah!

The AIRWOLF theme song still takes the cake. If Bob remixed it with a fat breakbeat behind it, I'd freak out and possibly dance.

Brave New World

Freedom may be "on the march," but not for people. Dogs are actively planning their imminent takeover, as evidenced by recents events in Turkey where local strays convinced PETA activists to put themselves in cages in order to protest cruel animal treatment. None of this changes the fact that all dogs are vegetarians who believe in biting things to solve their problems.

Ralph Cricket's Weekly Advice

We asked dog reporter Ralph Cricket for some advice. He looked at us skeptically until we left the room.

Gibson Still Rocking

Summer Camp

Have you figured out what you are doing this summer? I've got an idea. Work for an amazing summer camp. Camp Mendocino, operated by Boys and Girls Clubs of San Francisco, offers a 9 week summer camp for bay area inner city youth aged 8 through 14. The camp is located in a beautiful, remote redwood forest in Mendocino County, California. We offer all the classic summer camp activities, including horseback riding, swimming, archery, arts and crafts, environmental education, hiking, and, of course, ridiculous talent shows. Our staff is comprised of 18 through 70 year olds from all over the country and all over the world. About half of our 90 staff members will come from countries like Ireland, the UK, Russia, Australlia and at least a few from Mars. We're hiring for leadership positions right now, like the Director of our Teen Program, a Behavioral Specialist, Head Counselors and an Assistant Camp Director. We are also hiring camp couselors, life guards, maintenance crew members, a photo director, an envioronmental education director, kitchen staff, office workers, and much, much more.... As a 2 summer veteran, I can vouch for the fact that working here is an amazing experience on many levels, including as many as 6 levels. I may think of a 7th level soon. If you think you might be interested or know someone who might be interested, visit the website at www.campmendocino.org where you can learn a lot more about camp and download an application. Inquiries can be sent to campjobs@kidsclub.org. I'm going to be the program director this summer, which means camp will be even more ridiculous then usual.

*Pardon the recent outbreak of serious posts. I promise that this blog will return to its normal absurd format faster then a frog on a hot rod.

The Hidden Dangers Of Massive Ecstasy Overdoses

If you were thinking of consuming 25 escstasy pills per day, please be aware that there may be consequences. Simple everyday tasks like buying cans of food or getting your swerve on would become nearly impossible.

Clinton's Case for War

Interesting reading for anyone who strongly opposes the war in Iraq and rejects the reasons for starting it. Check out this Clinton speech from 1998, making the case for war and regime change.

Doobie Schlitz, in a rare sober moment, wonders aloud how this might affect your thinking.

George Mason: The Choice of Libertarians

If you are a free market loving libertarian, you have one more reason to root for massive underdog George Mason University tonight- to support their free market loving libertarian economics department. More here.