"Happy Holidays" From Doobie Schlitz

Won't you please join us for hearth, home and happiness?

Ohhhhh... NOW, I get it!! I can finally sleep again.

Space-time distortion and frame of reference

Objects in a gravitational field experience a slowing down of time, called time dilation. This phenomenon has been verified experimentally in the Scout rocket experiment of 1976,[13] and is, for example, taken into account in the Global Positioning System (GPS). Near the event horizon, the time dilation increases rapidly.

From the viewpoint of a distant observer, an object falling into a black hole appears to slow down, approaching but never quite reaching the event horizon. As the object falls into the black hole, it appears redder and dimmer to the distant observer, due to the extreme gravitational red shift caused by the gravity of the black hole. Eventually, the falling object becomes so dim that it can no longer be seen, at a point just before it reaches the event horizon.

From the viewpoint of the falling object, nothing particularly special happens at the event horizon. The object crosses the event horizon and reaches the singularity at the center within a finite amount of proper time, as measured by a watch carried with the falling observer.

From the viewpoint of the falling observer distant objects may appear either blue-shifted or red-shifted, depending on his exact trajectory. Light is blue-shifted by the gravity of the black hole, but is red-shifted by the velocity of the falling object.

President Harding to address Senate today

President Warren G. Harding is going to speak out today about the teapot scandal, rumours of which are currently swirling around the country's media outlets. He's going to be translated into duck by a beautiful looking Mallard duck named Kevin. Film will not be shown as it has yet to be invented but the speech will be broadcast on the internet for a small fee. Goodnight.

Greenspan reaffirms his top four principles

Principle 1: Shout everything. When your voice gets tired, eat cantaloupe and continue shouting.

Principle 2: Be nice to cats; even if you're a dog person. If you're a dog person, right on, dude!

Principle 3: Manage your time effectively. It shouldn't take you weeks to research which shampoo you're going to switch to in a vain attempt to "shake things up a bit" for yourself.

Principle 4: Take chances...
Sub-point A: Try gulping things instead of drinking them.
Sub-point B: Attempt flight under your own power and with no safety net
Sub-point C: Insult someone very important then cover it up by turning into thin air
Sub-point D: Vote for someone you detest, then try desperately to void your own vote
Sub-point E: You get the idea... and if you don't, then you really get it.

G-d planning to recycle entire world

An extremely high pitched voice inside your correspondent's head (one of several) indicated that G-d himself is planning on recycling the entire world. "I'm interested in conserving Earth and it seems I can't do that unless I recycle it," said the voice, which claimed to represent "the divine will". Encouraged by increasing activism from grassroots "go-Green" movements around the world, the Lord is apparently looking to get involved. He has also expressed interest, in a relatively non-committal way, in getting involved in street theater for troubled youths as well: "I'm not sure, but I think I'd like to help young people act out their fantasies on the streets... in a safe environment, though. Actually, I'm not too sure about that idea--have to give it more thought. But it seems interesting. Sort of..."

Vegetarianism run amok (when followed to this conclusion)

Help.

Nacho Slumbre

Local taqueria "Pantalones Verdes" was temporarily shut down for serving narcolepic nachos to unsuspecting hombres causing premature siestas.

You Gotta Feel For the Guy

W Bush is not taking the news well. He's trying to pretend like everything's cool, but keeps bursting into tears during speeches.

It's going to be fine, George. You're STILL the president. That's right! Keep that chin up, buddy.

When all this is over, we'll have a catch. Just the two of us.

Surprsing Results from Election 2006

Fire Hydrant Sadness

its true

Please Support Propositions 1 thru 12

The reasons are compelling and clear.

I'm just sayin'...

Sports basketball dude Peyton Prudence got really fucking angry when someone in the stands, clutching a balloon dildo, yelled that his mama was a fat fucking bitch.

Still trying to figure it out...

Look, Marty--it's not that complicated. You're just back in the 50's--milkshakes, knife-fights and segregation. Try to blend in. And what's with the life preserver, anyway? Whadidya jump ship? Just steer clear of Senator Joseph McCarthy and you'll be fine. And dead.

What's the bet?

I bet I could climb any tall moutain if I just stopped eating these all the time... what do you think?

San Francisco Living

This is pretty much what daily life is like in San Francisco. Bonus points to anyone who can identify the street where the Rush family lives....

Habeas? Why? Give them LSD (fine, just DTA)

I'm just sayin' what about this schnitzel?

IL logic

The supreme benevolent leader reminds you:

If there were a town in Illinois called Kim Jong, it would be written

Kim Jong, IL

Strong Economic Strongth

I learned from an AP article this morning that the budget deficit reached its lowest point in 4 years. According to the article, written by Martin Crustinger...

The reason for the improvement this year was the big jump in revenues, propelled by strong economic strongth.

Hmmmm..... Very interesting. Martin, the next time you are looking for the perfect word and you are up against one of those brutal AP deadlines, give me a call or hit my up on Yahoo Chat. Personally, I would have attributed the deficit reduction to money trampth.

Always old

This is barbara bush at the age of 17.

This is barbara bush at the age of 21.

This is barbara bush at the age of 35.

This is barbara bush at the age of 62.

This is barbara bush.

Condi's Epiphany

Breakups are hard on everyone, including Condi Rice, who was recently dumped by Private Fred Iverson.

She walked away crying after he dumped her.

He just looked straight ahead as if to say, "I dumped that bitch".

She tried to play it off.

lesson learned? Yes. Don't be 50.

China: You Crazy

some crazy shit be goin down in china, let me tell ya....

North Korea Plans Nuclear Test

Kim Jong Ill's foreign minister announced today that his nation is planning to conduct a nuclear test, prompting protests and condemnation from world leaders, most of whom were breifly transformed into headless bra models in an unexplained incident.

Marmaduke At it Again

No More Spinach. Ever.

A queer alliance of supermarket moguls have agreed never to stock spinach again. Citing the plain fact that spinach tastes like poop, the owners of Safeway, Pathmark, Acme, Wholefoods, Tradr Joes and Bob's Poop unanimously agreed to quit selling spinach. Quipped Jeremy Safeway, owner of Safeway, "Let's face it. Spinach tastes like Poop".

Schwarzenegger Signs Dog

Resurgent California Governor Jacob "Arnold" Schwarzenegger today punched a dog in the snout. When the Christian Retriever turned the other snout, in honor of Jesus, Schwarzenegger immediately drafted an executive order honoring the dog's restraint and used the dog's head as a flat surface to sign the order. The day ended on a sour note, though, when the dog was put to sleep for barking.

We won't forget you, Crispus

Crispus Atticus is the saddest dude never to eat Crispix cereal. He was so close, though. Don't forget to tell your kids about Crispus today. But wait till there finished with their cereal first or they might choke up with emotion and then choke for real. Whatever, though... they should learn to be more resilient. Kids are so unreliable.

Voltron In 2008

The only reaslistic choice for quazi-autonomous, anthropomorphizing Tigerbots. He plans on expanding the federal government, but only margerinally. Mostly, his policies consist of increasing WD-40 production and massivley widening the inequality gap. He also wants everyone to stop with all the magnet jokes already--HE GETS IT, OKAY!?!?

Poll finds more Americans jealous of other countries' nutso flags

As an American, I love my country and our flag. It's such a fine flag. But there are some nutso flags out there in this world. Check it out:





I mean, what the FUCK?!?! A new Gallup poll released today found that more Americans are getting jealous of other countries' flags these days.*

*Margerine of Error for this poll: Scotch.

Branson still holds grudge

This photo proves that trillionaire gimmick artist richard branson is still pissed at former president clinton, but begrudgingly agreed to help him carry some sign.

According to his agent, branson is pretty much pissed off at everybody right now, but especially the ex-president, because of the whole monica lewinsky thing. Its unclear why his reaction to the decade-old scandal is so delayed.

Pope Fiction

Lots of people were pissed when the pope lifted Tokyo off the ground. But it was funny for catholics living not in Tokyo.

Today's News

Bob Barker Loves Dogs. Surprised? Of course not. His name is barker, which could mean someone who barks, a.k.a. a dog.

Brief Visit by Reagan

Surprising himself more then anyone, Ronald Reagan descended from conservative heaven briefly today to commend black bears for being cool.

"It's about time", opined a drunk mario van peebles at a golf game.

Cold Stone's New Flavor

Coldstone's new flavor is

"elbows and spit"

add lasagna: $6

Former British Prime Minister Thatcher to return to “first true love": ice cream R & D

Margaret Thatcher today announced that she will be “going back to her roots” by joining Haagen Daaz, Inc. to aid in the development of newer, tastier frozen treats such as ice cream and cold icey cream. Though little known among the general public, Thatcher actually began her career as a research chemist for J. Lyons and Company, where she was a member of the team that developed the first soft frozen ice cream (see Early Life section). Later, she helped Ronald Reagan spread freedom throughout the world and end the Cold War.

Back to the ice cream bit: Thatcher developed her formidable ice cream chops working on ways to preserve the tasty dairy treat. This early experience led Thatcher to delve into the turgid, uncharted waters of experimental ice cream creation and radical candy development. She soon “tasted the rainbow” when she collected enough UPC symbols to finally get the top-notch toy/prize then offered by General Mills: a “sour-patch” MRI machine. Surprisingly, her creativity and work ethic remained consistent even though her daily routine was interrupted by hourly “test bites” of her enormous piece of edible medical apparatus.

In her new role at Haagen Daaz, Thatcher hopes to quiet the sceptics by coming out of retirment and denouncing such principles as freedom of the press, thought and bark. Meanwhile, top brass at Flexall-454 expressed dismay that Thatcher turned down their generous offer of employment in their own R&D operation. The former PM clarified her decision to reporters when she observed that, “Flexall-454 has always frightened and perplexed me… is it supposed to be both hot and cold? Is that because of it’s chemical composition or some such thing? Preposterous.” Several prominent shrubs appeared puzzled at her assessment, while one noted pulsar continued flashing intermittently, apparently unfazed by her comment.

Chemistry, Thatcher’s first true love, is a science involving the study of things that taste either good or extremely bad, depending on your own mood but more having to do with their fundamental composition. Physics, on the other hand, is a science involving movement, light, and barf. Fuzzy logic is a brand new science that holds great promise.

Gin and tonics to replace apple juice for kindergarten snacktime?

Why not? Kids are people, too. They have their stresses, just as we robots do. Plus, I find G&T's so refreshing in the summertime. Regardless of your take on this fait accompli, summer is the time for very young children to kick back and enjoy a G&T. Also, they may want to consider internships in counter-terrorism studies.

Thok say mash people rock good

Alien youngster clinches prime-time spelling bee

Ellen Allien, a youngster from a very young part of the universe (Kroadle B-15, Squark Quadrant) took top honors in last night's (two nights ago?) spelling competition on prime-time television. This was the first known instance of a young woman actually doing something that didn't involve burnt toast or tender feelings. The youngster, who, in fact, was an alien, was not, in fact, human. Her four eyes gave her an insane advantage over her pathetically two-eyed humanoid rival teenage mopfaces. Many participants complained that it was even difficult to maintain eye contact with her without feeling "gross." After nearly 3 hours of competition, and the liquidation--literally--of most of her competitors, Ellen clinched the title by spelling the word "zoktelocopolesticily" which is actually the brand name for the most popular cling wrap from Kroadle 14, the neighboring galaxy to Allien's own. As a reward for her bold victory among the humans, her superiors back home will have her made into a fucking waffle with butter and organic maple syrup.

counting cars

count cars. 1,2,3..... 10 go for it! count cars today.

Clive Clemmons Inappropriate Response Channel

BEST CHANNEL EVER!!!

Former Secretary of State Lawrence Eagleburger named each of his three sons Lawrence Eagleburger, though they have different middle names

It's true.

Jamba Jerks

I've been going to Jamba Juice a lot lately. I enjoy thinking that drinks made out of ice cream and fruit are good for me. And I find their patented energy boost gives me a real... energy boost I guess.
I also enjoy the efficiency of their operation.... a system so air-tight and so simple that you could hire a labrador retriever and he'd get the hang out of it after just 2 bark-intensive hours.

But all is not well. Having been to a few different Jamba locations, I've noticed a disturbing trend: Their employees seem to engage in scripted dialogue with eachother while doing their work, usually centered on complimenting each other's work.

The first scripted dialogue I've identified went like this:

Jamba Jerk # 1: "Great job on the Peach Pleasure, Ralph! Perfect Consistency!"

Jamba Jerk # 2: "Thanks, Johnny. We've got a great batch of peaches today"

I've also been hearing this a lot:

Jamba Jerk # 1: "Great POUR, Ralph"

Jamba Jerk # 2: "I learned from the best!"

What can we do about this? I thought about putting an end to it by covering every jamba juice in america with plastic sheets. Too expensive.

No, I'm going to attack this problem with my brains. I'm going to open my own Jamba Juice, but this one will cater to ducks and professors at traditionally black colleges.

We'll have our own scripted dialogue:

Jamba Jerk # 1: "This Blueberry Banana Surprise evokes the subtle scurge of institutionalized racism"

Jamba Jerk # 2: "Quack!"

Lollapalooza

I didn't even know that lollapalooza existed anymore. I thought it went the way of Shanon Hoon and edible luggage... but, much to my surprise, it turns out that they're doing it this year, in Chicago, and the lineup ain't so damn bad...

Lollapalooza 2006 Lineup:
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Kanye West
Manu Chao
Wilco
Death Cab For Cutie
The Raconteurs
The Flaming Lips
Ween
Queens of the Stone Age
The Shins
Common
Matisyahu
Ryan Adams
Umphrey's McGee
Sonic Youth
Thievery Corporation
Sleater-Kinney
Nickel Creek
Blues Traveler
Broken Social Scene
The New Pornographers
Iron & Wine
Poi Dog Pondering
The Secret Machines
Built To Spill (just added!)
Eels
Panic! At the Disco
The Disco Biscuits
Reverend Horton Heat
The Smoking Popes
Andrew Bird
Gnarls Barkley
Stars
Cursive
Blackalicious
Editors
Lyrics Born
Lady Sovereign
Hard-Fi
Calexico
Nada Surf
Feist
Aqualung
The Frames
The Hold Steady
The Go! Team
Mates of State
Pepper
Particle
The Redwalls
Mute Math
Wolfmother
Sparta
The Subways
Of Montreal
Blue October
Jeremy Enigk
Living Things
Sound Team
The M's
Hot Chip
The Benevento-Russo Duo
Matt Costa
The New Amsterdams
deadboy & the Elephantmen
Sybris
Anathallo
The Burden Brothers
What Made Milwaukee Famous
Manishevitz
Husky Rescue
The Towers of London
Ohmega Watts
Boy Kill Boy
Jim Noir
The Standard
Be Your Own Pet
Elvis Perkins
Trevor Hall
Midlake
Katie Todd Band
The Candy Band (Kidz)

BLAM! kickin' it to you new-style... DOWN.

Witness BLAM!, the newest live act from Oaktown 357 boasting a realer version of Rock, Paper, Scissors. They call their game, "Blip, Blop, Blip BLAM!" and its the rage with kids all over the East Bay. BLAM!

What should I do with my life?

problem solved

it was all just a big misunderstanding.

Brave Tanks

I'll never forget where I was or who I was doing or who I was on the fateful afternoon of Soctubre 29th, 1989, when 4 armed tanks bravely stood their ground, preventing a meek student from getting to his meeting with Dean China.


Eventually, the meek students over-ran the tanks, hurling calculators and wax apples. Regardless of the eventual outcome, the symbolism of that singular moment has inspired and emboldened whole generations of tanks to stand up to punks.

interview with gorby

On my recent trip to Georgia, I ran into ex soviet premier Michael Gorbachev.
Looking spritely as always, he looked spritely. As always.

DS: So Gorby, what you been up to killa?

Gorby: Surfing

DS: the internet?

Gorby: No, the internet. (laughter) But seriously, I've been planning my next economy. (laughter)

DS: what about the children?

Gorby: They will eat on thursdays

DS: And on Friday?

Gorby: Teens will eat. (laughter)

DS: Any regrets?

Gorby: I never got to meet Ronald Reagan

DS: But-

Gorby: I'm kidding. (laughter)

DS: Let's turn to more serious matters. The Kentucky Derby approaches. Who is your horse?

Gorby: Smashmouth Tuna Horse to show.

DS: Tight!

Gorby: It can't miss. I'd bet my pants.

DS: If you had pants! (laughter)

Gorby: What's going on in America these days?

DS: intractable wars, rising gas prices, unprecedented natural disasters, Tom and Katie had a baby...

Gorby: I wish I had it so good.

DS: I know.

Gorby: I know too.

DS: Me 3! (laughter)

DS: So Gorby, let's get serious. In 1991, some thugs kidnapped you and tried to say that they were in charge. They hated your breath, yes... But they forgot one key ingredient

Gorby: russian sausage pie? (laughter)

DS: yeah- NO!!! Get serious. they forgot that you had a drunk buddy- Yeltsin.

Gorby: Yes! Oh that man. Few people realize this, but he was a drunk lunatic, and his shit was a poopy mess.

DS: this interview is over.

numbers

when you clicked schlitztistics did you know how much fun it would be?

What about this? Can this go unchecked? Hello?

Robert Bork.

Rule Britannia

God save the Queen, and god help us all if I can't find the snackwich maker that my brother and I used to enjoy. The machine was a sort of proto-George Forman grill that made these hotass hot cheese snackwiches--essentially lava-hot grilled cheese pockets of searing mouth agony. Damn were those bitches tasty though. Anyway, I got off track. My point for this post was to say "hurrah for the cross-pond krangulation!" I welcome it. I'm not well though. I mean, I'm pretty okay, but I'm feeling a little worn out and generally in need of a Tiger Woods type of restart to my life. One last detail about Britain: I used to hang the Union Jack in my room as an adolescent. Why? Because I loved the Beatles, Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, and Jimi Hendrix. Hendrix was Israeli, I know, but I really dug the color scheme on the Jiggity Jack boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Ah, fuck this post. Peace.

Matsui Sleeps Alone Tonight

New York Yankee Hideki Matsui brought dishonor to his team when, with the bases loaded and 2 outs in the bottom of the ninth inning, he fell asleep standing at the plate.

In a rare moment of supreme sportsmanship, several Orioles players skipped their customary victory hot-dog party, and fashioned a makeshift vertical bed out of cones and dirt, so that Matsui could slumber peacefully.

Matsui reported an excellent night of sleep, save for his dream that a turtle ate his face.
He was awoken by real turtles practicing turtle-ball.

hope springs eternal

The SF weather of late has been hella nice. If you are child, its merely been hecka.

1906: Lessons Learned

The recent retrospective coverage of the 1906 Earthquake has awakened me to the need to prepare some basic provisions in the event of another grave disaster. To that end, I have made an edible disaster kit, and I have eaten that disaster kit. The vital supplies of the kit, such as duct-tape, sugar, canned fish and glass, are now secured in my stomach, and will soon be broken down and integrated into my body's cells during digestion. (confirmed by the best knee surgeon) Within 2 weeks, each of my thousands of cells (indeed, 10's of thousands) will individually posses all of the contents of my edible disaster kit. My body's preparedness decentralized, I'll be more nimble and efficient.

bonus treat provided by unkown lady sally corn: a photo of san francisco taken by mark twain moments before dinosaurs caused the great earthquake.













The green hill you see is not the headlands; those were built in the 1950's. Scientists now beleive that what you are seeing is the head of a clever dinosaur, about to stomp.

The Sputnik Game

Wanna play a cool game? Type "sputnik" into google, search for images, then see if you can identify the two images that clearly do not fit with your expectations. Please send all feedback/reactions/scotch to grovel@morp.org

Craftmatic Dilemma: The VCR, the Color TV, or the Microwave?

Yeah right.

Phishing is bad (and wrong)

Seems sad to say I told ya so, but it appears that Phish is still bad. According to a CNN article from 1648, Phishing is on the rise and it's as illegal and immoral as ever. Check out this CNN blurb from a CNN article from today's CNN:

Even the commissioner of the New York State Department of Taxation and Finance got one of the phishing e-mails -- on his government computer.

"This phishing scheme is exploding, it's a reflection of how brazen these crooks have become," Commissioner Andrew Eristoff said.

"Here they are targeting a tax administrator with a tax refund scam. Unbelievable," he said.

It really is unbelievable. But should Phishing actually be illegal? That depends, I suppose. Like, I would have made following Phish illegal from around 1992 to say August of 1995. After that, it would have been legal to follow them until around 1999 or 2000 at the latest, at which point people would simply have to go back to following the Lord. Shit man, I mean, what exactly IS your fee to drive me to Firenze?

taxes

taxes are due monday. this year I am claiming my entire life as a deduction. i'm just playin.

Fed Chief Releases Surprising Economic Report

Newly crowned Fed King Ben Bernanke released a surprising annual report today. But the report was not surprising for what it revealed about our economy (100% of farmers are farmers, unchanged from last year). It is the report's new format which is raising eyebrows. Theories run rampant as to the reason he chose the whimsical motif. Unconfirmed reports indicate that Mr Bernanke was trying to send a subtle message that he plans on raising the interest rate at which the federal reserve bank lends money to cartoon characters.

Janet Speaks

Through her agent, Janet from 3's Company has provided an exclusive interview to doobie schlitz's new branch, "doobie schlitz on the scene".

DS: So, Janet, what's up with Jack? Are you guys getting it on?

Janet: No Way! He's good in the kitchen, but not in my kitchen! Ya Feel me?

DS: You goof-ball!

Janet: Guilty slut! (me!)

Janet: And now for that T-bone you promised....

Bolton disappointed to have missed Calexico show

"I can't believe I missed that show"

President Bush had answer "the whole time"

President Bush recently told reporters at the UN that he "knew the answer all along," but that Kofi Annan wouldn't call on him. The President said it was "totally unfair" and that "he never gets called on anymore." Meanwhile, John Bolton was wondering who was at the Great American Music Hall this weekend (Calexico? Nah, that was in like '03...) while Condi was wondering if anyone thought she was picking her nose, which, in fact, she was. Fittingly, the "answer" Bush knew was: Chicken Teriaki, Rice & California rolls.

DAH dah dah dah dah, DAH dah dah dah, DAH dah dah dah, dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah!

The AIRWOLF theme song still takes the cake. If Bob remixed it with a fat breakbeat behind it, I'd freak out and possibly dance.