counting cars

count cars. 1,2,3..... 10 go for it! count cars today.

Clive Clemmons Inappropriate Response Channel

BEST CHANNEL EVER!!!

Former Secretary of State Lawrence Eagleburger named each of his three sons Lawrence Eagleburger, though they have different middle names

It's true.

Jamba Jerks

I've been going to Jamba Juice a lot lately. I enjoy thinking that drinks made out of ice cream and fruit are good for me. And I find their patented energy boost gives me a real... energy boost I guess.
I also enjoy the efficiency of their operation.... a system so air-tight and so simple that you could hire a labrador retriever and he'd get the hang out of it after just 2 bark-intensive hours.

But all is not well. Having been to a few different Jamba locations, I've noticed a disturbing trend: Their employees seem to engage in scripted dialogue with eachother while doing their work, usually centered on complimenting each other's work.

The first scripted dialogue I've identified went like this:

Jamba Jerk # 1: "Great job on the Peach Pleasure, Ralph! Perfect Consistency!"

Jamba Jerk # 2: "Thanks, Johnny. We've got a great batch of peaches today"

I've also been hearing this a lot:

Jamba Jerk # 1: "Great POUR, Ralph"

Jamba Jerk # 2: "I learned from the best!"

What can we do about this? I thought about putting an end to it by covering every jamba juice in america with plastic sheets. Too expensive.

No, I'm going to attack this problem with my brains. I'm going to open my own Jamba Juice, but this one will cater to ducks and professors at traditionally black colleges.

We'll have our own scripted dialogue:

Jamba Jerk # 1: "This Blueberry Banana Surprise evokes the subtle scurge of institutionalized racism"

Jamba Jerk # 2: "Quack!"

Lollapalooza

I didn't even know that lollapalooza existed anymore. I thought it went the way of Shanon Hoon and edible luggage... but, much to my surprise, it turns out that they're doing it this year, in Chicago, and the lineup ain't so damn bad...

Lollapalooza 2006 Lineup:
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Kanye West
Manu Chao
Wilco
Death Cab For Cutie
The Raconteurs
The Flaming Lips
Ween
Queens of the Stone Age
The Shins
Common
Matisyahu
Ryan Adams
Umphrey's McGee
Sonic Youth
Thievery Corporation
Sleater-Kinney
Nickel Creek
Blues Traveler
Broken Social Scene
The New Pornographers
Iron & Wine
Poi Dog Pondering
The Secret Machines
Built To Spill (just added!)
Eels
Panic! At the Disco
The Disco Biscuits
Reverend Horton Heat
The Smoking Popes
Andrew Bird
Gnarls Barkley
Stars
Cursive
Blackalicious
Editors
Lyrics Born
Lady Sovereign
Hard-Fi
Calexico
Nada Surf
Feist
Aqualung
The Frames
The Hold Steady
The Go! Team
Mates of State
Pepper
Particle
The Redwalls
Mute Math
Wolfmother
Sparta
The Subways
Of Montreal
Blue October
Jeremy Enigk
Living Things
Sound Team
The M's
Hot Chip
The Benevento-Russo Duo
Matt Costa
The New Amsterdams
deadboy & the Elephantmen
Sybris
Anathallo
The Burden Brothers
What Made Milwaukee Famous
Manishevitz
Husky Rescue
The Towers of London
Ohmega Watts
Boy Kill Boy
Jim Noir
The Standard
Be Your Own Pet
Elvis Perkins
Trevor Hall
Midlake
Katie Todd Band
The Candy Band (Kidz)

BLAM! kickin' it to you new-style... DOWN.

Witness BLAM!, the newest live act from Oaktown 357 boasting a realer version of Rock, Paper, Scissors. They call their game, "Blip, Blop, Blip BLAM!" and its the rage with kids all over the East Bay. BLAM!

What should I do with my life?

problem solved

it was all just a big misunderstanding.

Brave Tanks

I'll never forget where I was or who I was doing or who I was on the fateful afternoon of Soctubre 29th, 1989, when 4 armed tanks bravely stood their ground, preventing a meek student from getting to his meeting with Dean China.


Eventually, the meek students over-ran the tanks, hurling calculators and wax apples. Regardless of the eventual outcome, the symbolism of that singular moment has inspired and emboldened whole generations of tanks to stand up to punks.

interview with gorby

On my recent trip to Georgia, I ran into ex soviet premier Michael Gorbachev.
Looking spritely as always, he looked spritely. As always.

DS: So Gorby, what you been up to killa?

Gorby: Surfing

DS: the internet?

Gorby: No, the internet. (laughter) But seriously, I've been planning my next economy. (laughter)

DS: what about the children?

Gorby: They will eat on thursdays

DS: And on Friday?

Gorby: Teens will eat. (laughter)

DS: Any regrets?

Gorby: I never got to meet Ronald Reagan

DS: But-

Gorby: I'm kidding. (laughter)

DS: Let's turn to more serious matters. The Kentucky Derby approaches. Who is your horse?

Gorby: Smashmouth Tuna Horse to show.

DS: Tight!

Gorby: It can't miss. I'd bet my pants.

DS: If you had pants! (laughter)

Gorby: What's going on in America these days?

DS: intractable wars, rising gas prices, unprecedented natural disasters, Tom and Katie had a baby...

Gorby: I wish I had it so good.

DS: I know.

Gorby: I know too.

DS: Me 3! (laughter)

DS: So Gorby, let's get serious. In 1991, some thugs kidnapped you and tried to say that they were in charge. They hated your breath, yes... But they forgot one key ingredient

Gorby: russian sausage pie? (laughter)

DS: yeah- NO!!! Get serious. they forgot that you had a drunk buddy- Yeltsin.

Gorby: Yes! Oh that man. Few people realize this, but he was a drunk lunatic, and his shit was a poopy mess.

DS: this interview is over.

numbers

when you clicked schlitztistics did you know how much fun it would be?