Fastest Car Ever, but not the Neatest

The 1986 Buick Somerset still ranks as the fastest car ever invented. Proudly driven by this blogger from 1994 through 1999, this car routiinely broke speed records- at one point it broke so many records the the people from Guiness World Records lit their factory on fire. One drawback to owning a buick somerset, aside from the constant death it causes, is it's messiness around the house. Consistently unable to find available parking, I allowed my buick to move in with me in September 1998, giving it the guest bedroom. At first it was great- We watched "Dynasty" together and played frisbee inside my cupboards. But after a while, the somerset started throwing junk all over the apartment. I knew I had to take decisive action, so I slashed its tires, broke its windows, and then drove it to our town's most posh restaurant- "Posh McMastersons", leaving it idling in the parking lot. The somerset was so embarassed as the Mercedes and Rolls Royce jammies drove by. After an hour or so of humiliation, the car finally broke down. The mechanic says it was the transmission. Frankly I don't give a fucking hoot.

Greenspan Vs. Snoopy: Who would win?

I'm pretty sure Snoopy would win, because he can bite people on the head.

didn't get the memo...

No one told me Luther Vandross died this year. I'm feeling kind of sad. Putting on some Luther Vandross right now. Not his music... I mean I'm putting on a luther vandross costume. It's old and musty, but it'll do the trick. Not the costume... I mean my dog, he's old and musty, but he does tricks. Whoops. He just ate a poisonous scone and died. What are the chances? I have a really large box of scones, and only 99 out of 100 have the poison all over em'... and wouldn't you know it?... Barky ate one of the ones with poison. He usually sticks to beef and dog bones.

A Christmas Message of Hope

In this era of reversals, what if matter and space swapped places? What if the space between matter became solid matter, and the matter between space became the space between matter? Using a VLookup equation in Excel (the preferred analytical tool of theoretical physicists), I modeled such a universe to see what would happen. My results, while extremely interesting, will be kept secret while I devour 50,000 tasty cookies + 25,000 hammers.

++++++++++

When Live Action Turns into a Painting

Remember the end of that Rocky movie, when Balboa got into the ring with his new buddy Apollo for a friendly grudge match? Just as they threw their first punch, they turned into a painting. Well ain't that a bitch. Which motherfucker won? I did a little research into this, and found this is not an entirely unprecedented phenomenon. Back in the early 1600's, the Greeks were fighting the Ancient Greeks in the Battle for Antiquity, and just as the Greeks were about to fire a canon ball, the whole war turned into a painting. As it turns out, one man, Dick Cheney Jr. (Dick Cheney's nephew) is in charge of exciting events turning into paintings, and he's not saying what's next. Perhaps the next time you go to the bathroom or have a pear, your life will turn into a painting.

Helpful Hints

1) Use peanut-butter to get ice out of your hair.

2) If your stomach feels a little coca-cola, drink some barf.

3) Know your credit score. If you don't know it, you can calculate it thusly: divide your credit score by (your credit score/your credit score)

4) The glass is not half full, it is totally empty, so fill it with barf.

5) If you get pulled over, tell the cop that you want to check his calibration records. If he's not familiar with that term, reassure him that you don't know what it means either. He will appreciate your candor, and will let you off
with a ticket forcing you to spend eternity in jail.

6) If you are checking into a hotel with a fake name, make it a funny fucking ridiculous name. (ie: "Boob Tyler")

7) Never accidentally sit on an eagle.

8) When at a sporting event, remember that the person next to you can tell you are not a spirit.

9) Snack on some chips.

10) tell your dermatologist about that pimple. He'll appreciate the hand-written caligraphy on parchment paper and will send you a feather.

11) click on the google ad links. use the google search bar.

DoobieSchlitz 2.0

You are probably already furiously dialing the tinsy buttons on your verizon wireless cellular telephone to tell your friends about the sleek new design of the doobie schlitz blog. I can't blame you.

Santa Pope? Never.

The odd Pope pictured on the left donned a santa cap during his daily rounds of St Peter's square yesterday. The pontiff's posse claims that this style of cap dates back to the 17th century, and the Pope was not intending to invoke Santa Claus.

The real Santa could not be reached for comment, but shouted the following as he darted across the night sky: "Shut Up!!!"

Ray Suarez is the Doobie Schlitz PERSON OF THE YEAR.....

I'm hecka proud to announce my 2005 person of the year award....

Ray Suarez

Hopefully, you already know Ray as the incredibly smooth anchor/reporter from PBS's 'The Newshour with Jim Lehrer'. His grooming is absolutely impeccable, his voice is cello-tastic, and his bias is barely perceptible. This was an incredible news year, what with the loch ness monster confusion and the dallas cowboys, but Ray handled it better then a pro; He handled it the way a pro would handle it if that pro was hired by a pro who was hired by a pro. He's that smooth.

Merry Mike Schmidt-Mas

We're not allowed to say "Merry Christmas" anymore, at least not if we work for GloboCorp or Washington Elementary. We're also not allowed to say "Happy Holidays", unless we want to be slaughtered by organic doves proclaiming "that is so 1996" as they peck our eyes out. As a happy and necessary compromise, I propose that we start saying "Merry Mike-Schmidt-Mas". Like Jesus, Mike Schmidt was born, and, like Stalin, he was completely secular, thus satisfying everyone.

See you in Canada

As much as there is to hate about Canada, I'll be going there tomorrow, thanks to this inspiring news.

Love?

I Hate I Love The 80's & I Love the 90's

What's up with this shit show? I hate this Vh1 bullshit. Who the hell are these people with their smug commentary and tired witticisms? Honestly, who are they?

Strike.

Lightning struck this building, which gave me an idea. I'm going on strike. I demand stuff and I refuse to do this or that. This esteemed blog recieved record traffic on Monday, which is to say it was viewed by 92 people. Why? There can be no explanation. Tuesday, things got back to normal, with an undisclosed amount of traffic. So its time for a strike. I demand at least 90 viewers a day, or else, well, or else you can forget about me posting any more copyrighted pictures and offering pointless, gramatically troubled commentary.

Dr J: not real

I hate to bring tragic news so close to the March holidays, but I just heard from a trusted animal that Dr. J Julius Erving never existed.

Need Gift Ideas?

Check out this link for ideas for Christmas (or Kwanza) gifts.

Year in Review

It's been another kooky year. Here's the top 4 news items that affected our lives and the lives of sub-humans.

4) The Dallas Cowboys pretty good year
The Cowboys shocked almost no one when they had a pretty good year this year. At the time of this posting, it is not clear if they will make the playoffs. Either way, this is #4.

3) The New Pope Chooses Peter Pan brand peanut butter
That ardent defender of doctrine, Pope Benedict, admitted this year that he uses Peter Pan brand peanut butter, raising troubling conflict of interest concerns among a growing sect of Catholics: those who place too much importance on issues surrounding peanut butter preference.

2) Hurricane Beta rocks the uninhabited regions of the middle of the Atlantic ocean
A category 1 hurricane, the 27th named storm of the season, slammed into the middle of the Atlantic ocean in August, causing widespread waves and several upset seagulls who were going to die anyway.

1) Loch Ness reveals himself to be hoax
An insane monster emerged from the icy waters of whatever that lake is called, announcing to the world that A) he was the LochNess monster and B) He is mostly kidding with his monster activities. Since this announcement seems to prove the legendary monster both exists and is a hoax, the news was welcomed enthusiastically by believers and skeptics alike, both sides cheering so loud that some guy called the cops.
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Initially, there were big plans to publish the top 9 stories of 2005 rather then just 4. The decision to limit the list to 4 was made after careful consideration of my lack of ideas for another 5 stories, and observance of article 5 of the Leage of Nations charter.

Evesdropping: essential

what a mess you made

Love?

According to US Weekly, President Dalai Lama and Vice President Bush are in love and its real. They truly are just like us.

What a Dick

Dick Clark. Former President. Consumate ass. No one has aged worse. Word on the street is, this dick started using Olive of Olay when Eleanor Roosevelt was still in training bras. As fellow senators, you'll alll agree that Dick looks like shit after 50 years of fake laughter.

Freedom Turns 23

Today marks the 23rd anniversary of Superman II's defeat of Zod, the overly handsome tyrant who tried to kill the world. I'd gladly sign a petition banning that crusty jerk, but he's dead now thanks to Superman II. Is he dead? Or is he locked in a weird 2 dimensional pane of glass? It's unclear, and only a review of the 1982 classic "Superman II" will unravel the mystery. But I must confess to all you germs out there that I have no idea how I'd go about watching that movie. I lack both the resources and the temperament for such an endeavor. But here's one possible explanation printed without permission from DW Griffith:

I don't really know

There you have it. Mystery and intrigue surrounding Zod's current status aside, we can all agree that Superman II did an awesome job.

An Open Letter to Our President

Dear President Carter,

It is time for you to step down. The price of vegetables is at an all-time high, while the price of soap, which can be used to clean vegetables, is at an all time low. Your pro-vegetable price, anti-vegetable-soap-price policies are irreconcilable and, to be frank, not at all awesome. Billions of Americans are suffering where it hurts most: The vegetable/vegetable-soap pantry. According to a poll released by Gallup, 78% of swimmers are outraged, and the remaining 22% are swimming and not dry enough to wear a headset. Make no mistake, our pantries are over-flowing with vegetable-soap, and, in sharp contrast, we ain't got but a few vegetables to wash. This has caused an interesting dilemna for our citizens, many now forced to start eating vegetable soap, or use it for other unorthodoxed purposes, such as cleaning their cat's teeth. How much longer must our citizens choose between eating soap and cleaning their cat's teeth? In a just world, both tasks could be done in factories by robots. But Mr Carter, I don't suppose you know anything about robots. You vetoed legislation that would have made it mandatory to build 4 robots for every human and move all humans underground. You claimed this would hurt the economy, but robots tend to disagree. Please step down in a week or two and let Vice President Carol Burnett have a shot at this mess.

Sincerely,

bdog

Horse Sense

There's a war on the streets. It's a war about who keeps the signs in their garage in the event of a corn shortage. It's a war about time-out. It's horse-sense, plain and simple.

Giraffes = strong animal

The vicious giraffe pictured on the left bit a building and tossed it into the air with one flick of its gigantic neck. Needless to say, the giraffe tossed the building into the air.

The Main Street Hot Dog Lady

Way back in 1998, there was this awesome, wonderful old tart who, for a dollar, would give you a real nice hot dog out of her metal house parked on the sidewalk. She never had a kind word for anyone, and always worked her register when she needed to put money in or take it out, pushing big buttons. When it was time to leave, she'd put all the money in her pocket, lock up her shop, and pray that she didn't leave any hot dogs out. But this was the stone-age, and there was no need for panic.

Should Cats Run The Post Office?

There was an interesting piece in the California Post today about war or whatever. I think cats should run the Post Office due to their strength.

grandcanyon 

Ford Should Run America

Ford makes tough trucks, and they'd also make a great president. I intend to force Ford Motor Company to be the president of the US through persuasion and by showing them pictures.