"Happy Holidays" From Doobie Schlitz

Won't you please join us for hearth, home and happiness?

Ohhhhh... NOW, I get it!! I can finally sleep again.

Space-time distortion and frame of reference

Objects in a gravitational field experience a slowing down of time, called time dilation. This phenomenon has been verified experimentally in the Scout rocket experiment of 1976,[13] and is, for example, taken into account in the Global Positioning System (GPS). Near the event horizon, the time dilation increases rapidly.

From the viewpoint of a distant observer, an object falling into a black hole appears to slow down, approaching but never quite reaching the event horizon. As the object falls into the black hole, it appears redder and dimmer to the distant observer, due to the extreme gravitational red shift caused by the gravity of the black hole. Eventually, the falling object becomes so dim that it can no longer be seen, at a point just before it reaches the event horizon.

From the viewpoint of the falling object, nothing particularly special happens at the event horizon. The object crosses the event horizon and reaches the singularity at the center within a finite amount of proper time, as measured by a watch carried with the falling observer.

From the viewpoint of the falling observer distant objects may appear either blue-shifted or red-shifted, depending on his exact trajectory. Light is blue-shifted by the gravity of the black hole, but is red-shifted by the velocity of the falling object.

President Harding to address Senate today

President Warren G. Harding is going to speak out today about the teapot scandal, rumours of which are currently swirling around the country's media outlets. He's going to be translated into duck by a beautiful looking Mallard duck named Kevin. Film will not be shown as it has yet to be invented but the speech will be broadcast on the internet for a small fee. Goodnight.

Greenspan reaffirms his top four principles

Principle 1: Shout everything. When your voice gets tired, eat cantaloupe and continue shouting.

Principle 2: Be nice to cats; even if you're a dog person. If you're a dog person, right on, dude!

Principle 3: Manage your time effectively. It shouldn't take you weeks to research which shampoo you're going to switch to in a vain attempt to "shake things up a bit" for yourself.

Principle 4: Take chances...
Sub-point A: Try gulping things instead of drinking them.
Sub-point B: Attempt flight under your own power and with no safety net
Sub-point C: Insult someone very important then cover it up by turning into thin air
Sub-point D: Vote for someone you detest, then try desperately to void your own vote
Sub-point E: You get the idea... and if you don't, then you really get it.

G-d planning to recycle entire world

An extremely high pitched voice inside your correspondent's head (one of several) indicated that G-d himself is planning on recycling the entire world. "I'm interested in conserving Earth and it seems I can't do that unless I recycle it," said the voice, which claimed to represent "the divine will". Encouraged by increasing activism from grassroots "go-Green" movements around the world, the Lord is apparently looking to get involved. He has also expressed interest, in a relatively non-committal way, in getting involved in street theater for troubled youths as well: "I'm not sure, but I think I'd like to help young people act out their fantasies on the streets... in a safe environment, though. Actually, I'm not too sure about that idea--have to give it more thought. But it seems interesting. Sort of..."

Vegetarianism run amok (when followed to this conclusion)

Help.