State of The Union: old fashioned

Tonight's state of the union address seemed a bit old fashioned. Among many scary ideas, Bush proposed a bold new exploration of the US territories west of the Mississippi.
"We must see what's out there, and quickly, before the French beat us to it", proclaimed the president, winking at French dignataries he had already hired earlier in the day to explore the west. This brought about a rousing standing ovation from republicans in the chamber, but the cheers were interrupted by Rocky's wife, who screamed that such a mission would be "suicide".
But the biggest surprise of the night came when Bush released 4 white doves from his mouth.

Inching Closer to Trentonian Dominance

The nomination of Judge Sam Alito, a Trenton native, to the Supreme Court of the United States was confirmed unanimously by the senate today, in a close 58 - 42 vote. Judge Alito, or "Sammy Bag-of-Opinions" as he's known in Trenton, replaces justice Sandra Day O'Connor, whose flaps of facial skin became so saggy and gross that David Souter refused to look at her, citing precedent (stevie wonder v. elephant man) Now the only swing votes she'll be casting will be at family picnics, and instead of determining the extent and limitations of states rights, she'll be throwing pats of butter at her air conditioner. Judge Alito, joining Antonin Scalia, becomes the 2nd active Supreme Court Justice who is from Trenton, Italian-American, Catholic and an avid Philadelphia Phillies fan. As it turns out, this blogger shares all of those characteristics as well. If you are from San Francisco, you may have heard from some pretentious hippy dude you met at some party that this guy Alito is like, totally going to take away your rights and force you to drink oil and shit. To you I say, shut the fuck up. Trenton rules. We control 22.2% of the supreme court. What do you control?

the case for intelligent design

How could a beast like this have evolved? Special thanks to Melinda Gates, who provided this photograph of a rare striped marmaduke. The official latin name for the species of beast is "poopus-poopus".

Oh yeah, and one other thing that might catch you off-guard: This marmaduke will become your boss if, as expected, congress passes HR-5000, which requires that this marmaduke becomes everyone's boss.

Dogs are now the Equals of Humans

According to a report by pepper.com, dogs have now surpassed humans on their evolutionary journey. Scientists at the Great University use a 10-stage rubric to determine which animals are hot, and which are not. The rubric measures "things" like intelligence, ambition, creativity, farts per hour, and jumping ability. Dogs first made a splash on the newspaper scene in 1971, when they scored higher then humans on the Great Test, convincing scientists that dogs were indeed smarter then their human best friends. Since then, they've evolved so fast, passing humans in farts per hour, ambition, and creativity at the 1982 Dog Vs Human Melodrama Showdown (co-sponsored by Wheaties and Kibbles-n-Bits). The last piece of the puzzle was jumping ability. Humans maintaned their edge in this crucial category until yesterday, when this dog, a brutal pepper-schnapps, out-jumped some chinese lady. It's over. Dogs are now our masters, claims 'Baxter', a beautiful, smart golden retriever who now runs the state department.

No longer an Atheist

I used to be a registered atheist. Until this morning, that is. I was in 7-11 making out with a stranger, when who should role in but God himself. He told the cashier he wanted an infinite number of "Big Dogs" (a popular style of hot dog). He explained that he wanted half of them now and half later. The cashier's head exploded, but God put it back together and winked at her. Then, with another series of winks, He said, "Now how about those big-dogs". Everyone laughed hysterically, including God.

honest astronauts

permanent ink no longer symbol of pride

When Iraqis bravely took to the polls this past December, many held their ink-stained fingers high as a proud symbol of the triumph of democracy over fear. Now a full month has passed, and the ink won't come off. Iraqis are pissed. They had no idea this was literally permanent ink. According to former King of Iraq Paul Bremmer, they deserve it. "This is what they get for calling me 'Paulie Girl' and Bremmer-Crotch-Face", snarled a hairy Bremmer from his speeding buick lesabre. President Bush wasn't available for comment, but his spokesman, John, refused to comment.

Bad Post about Trad'r Joes NYC

I read in the New York Poop that they're opening a Trad'r Joes in New York City. "$2 Buck Vinny", anyone? "Whore City French Fries"? Or, my personal favorite, "expensive hummus".
Update: This is the worst post ever. But I can't help but leave it up.

Message to Paperclip Guy

Here's a bright idea, paperclip guy... Go fuck yourself.

Nobody likes you.

Your ideas are fucking retarded.

future reunion in heaven

odd missing person flier in mail today...

Beards and the NFL

The New York Times publisher, Arthur Baloneyberg, has been begging me for months to plug his newspaper, The New York Times, on my blog, DoobieSchlitz. I explained to him dozens of times that if they would publish an interesting article once in a while, maybe I'd consider it. Today, while wiping my butt with the New York Times, I was delighted to find an article about beards, and the quarterbacks who wear them. For those of you not interested in football, but totally interested in beards and sort of interested in football, you may find this weekend's matchup between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Denver Omlettes quite exciting. You see, both quaterbacks have beards. For more, please click this link to the New York Times article. Please note, this is an actual link to an actual article about beards.

this is true

I feel important when I'm jogging.

why I hate cats

Golden Globes

No Surprises here. In case you missed the Golden Globes, check it:

Best Actor: Samuel L Jackson, for Three's Company
Best Actress: Janet from Three's Company
Best Television Show: The News, with Bob Smith
Best Movie: 4 + 4 = Dynamite
Best Movie Theatre: Billy's house
Most horrible Dirt: Billy's got the clap

what if....

what if paula abdul married kareem abdul jabar? She'd be Paula Abdul Abdul Jabar, and she'd be drunk. And that boy a prude. word.

The Wait is Over

According to Doobie Schlitz insiders, Police Academy 8 is now in production and expected to be released in late 2006. God willing, returning will be that guy that can mimic the sound of can openers and robots. Is it "can openers" or is it "cans opener" ?

NFL Divisional Playoff recap

Wow, what a crazy weekend for the NFL playoffs. I spent the entire weekend glued to my car, watching every exciting football moment on my satellite morse-code maker.

If, like me, you missed most of the games because most aspects of the game don't translate well onto a morse-code maker , then have I've got news that will change your life and wreck your dog's life. I've got recaps. We've got recaps .

Seattle 20, Redskins 10
Jim Brown rushed for 400 acorns, and quarterback Bill Evans served up 9 breakfast sausages. The game was attended by 40,000 living bricks.


Denver 21, New England 13
In the battle of foods that make you throw up, the Denver Omlettes beat the shit out of the New England Clam Chowders. According to 300 inside sources, ex-Bronco Easy-Ed McCaffrey has agreed to buy coach Mike Shanahan a new face if they win the Super Bowl.


Pittsburgh 21, Indiannapolis 18
Big Ass Bettis fumbled the cheese at the end, and some jackass called #25 from the Colts scooped up the ball and started streaking for the end-zone, but he got a little too close to the open mouth of Steeler Ben Rothlesberger, who bit his ankle.


Carolina 99, Bears 12, Burger-King guy 5
Some really anti-climactic bullshit erupted like fire.

What to do about Crabs

If you've got crabs, get yourself a lawyer. You could be entitled to even more crabs- the kind you can eat. Know your rights.

What to do with that old bread machine

Admit it, back in the summer of 1982 through the winter of 1988, we all ran out to our favorite pre-Walmart box-store to buy a bread machine. You ripped it out of the box, plugged it in right next to the instant pasta machine, poured in some sort of crumbs and 2 hours later, Presto! -- A spongy, marginally dissapointing loaf of shit-bread! In the early days, you made dissapointing loaf after dissapointing loaf until one day you said "To hell with it" and put it up on the shelf in the garage right next to your sister's skull. (long story). Well, it's the post-90's now, and it is time to dust that old bread mahine off. Don't make bread with it, though. Instead, fill it with your piss.

Question...

Is he milk or meat?

welcome papajordan

weirdos with extra time: please grab my hand and form a welcoming arch for the newest member of the doobie schlitz team: papajordan. Papajordan's debut post about Nick Nolte was rad and timely.

Predictions for 2006: part 2

Meet your new secretaries of the department of oil & education*

*new department of oil created to oversee oil and oil-related oil matters
*department of education to be merged with new department of oil
*new department to be run by the Golden Girls

Predictions for 2006: part 1

4 full days into the new year, its time to shift our attention once and for all away from 2005, and onward, boldly, to 2006. Clearly, anything can happen in the coming year. But if you're as smart as I am and as dog-gone good a typer as I am, you can just see certain events coming. Read it and weep, sisters and bros. Here is my first vision.

Iran's increasingly vitriolic rhetoric and dangerous nuclear games will be brought to a swift and unsuspected halt when famed covert agent Kirk Gibson (pictured right) starts running around the Iranian countryside with fist pumping, thus rallying their long dormant dodger fans to action. Mr Gibson will be swept into office in a lovely bloodless coup, but will squander all that goodwill when, as his first act, the baseball hero orders the slaughter of all dogs, cats, apes, and humans, ostensibly to cut down on moonshine production.

New Milestone

Happy New Year, and thank you all for making doobie schlitz the 422,789,932nd most popular website in North America. (look out China, soon I'll be in your top trillion as well).

20q.net will make you cooler

For those of you who are totally uncool and would like a way to start getting cooler, check out www.20q.net, or click here, here or here. You think of something in your head. It could be anything at all, like a "brick" or "stop sign" or "poop". It will ask you a series of questions to which you respond "yes", "no", "sometimes", etc... By the 20th question, it will guess what you are thinking. It's correct about 80% of the time. Remarkably, it asks some pretty horrible questions, but still somehow manages to guess what you are thinking. For instance, if you are thinking of a "piano", it might ask

1) Is it heavier then 2.5 cars (you respond maybe)
2) Does it stick to the moon (you respond no)
3) Are you tired of how it tastes (you respond no)
4) I'm guessing you are a piano? (you respond Yes)