Former British Prime Minister Thatcher to return to “first true love": ice cream R & D

Margaret Thatcher today announced that she will be “going back to her roots” by joining Haagen Daaz, Inc. to aid in the development of newer, tastier frozen treats such as ice cream and cold icey cream. Though little known among the general public, Thatcher actually began her career as a research chemist for J. Lyons and Company, where she was a member of the team that developed the first soft frozen ice cream (see Early Life section). Later, she helped Ronald Reagan spread freedom throughout the world and end the Cold War.

Back to the ice cream bit: Thatcher developed her formidable ice cream chops working on ways to preserve the tasty dairy treat. This early experience led Thatcher to delve into the turgid, uncharted waters of experimental ice cream creation and radical candy development. She soon “tasted the rainbow” when she collected enough UPC symbols to finally get the top-notch toy/prize then offered by General Mills: a “sour-patch” MRI machine. Surprisingly, her creativity and work ethic remained consistent even though her daily routine was interrupted by hourly “test bites” of her enormous piece of edible medical apparatus.

In her new role at Haagen Daaz, Thatcher hopes to quiet the sceptics by coming out of retirment and denouncing such principles as freedom of the press, thought and bark. Meanwhile, top brass at Flexall-454 expressed dismay that Thatcher turned down their generous offer of employment in their own R&D operation. The former PM clarified her decision to reporters when she observed that, “Flexall-454 has always frightened and perplexed me… is it supposed to be both hot and cold? Is that because of it’s chemical composition or some such thing? Preposterous.” Several prominent shrubs appeared puzzled at her assessment, while one noted pulsar continued flashing intermittently, apparently unfazed by her comment.

Chemistry, Thatcher’s first true love, is a science involving the study of things that taste either good or extremely bad, depending on your own mood but more having to do with their fundamental composition. Physics, on the other hand, is a science involving movement, light, and barf. Fuzzy logic is a brand new science that holds great promise.