Gimme A Break

Enough of this.

New Ideas for A New Age

I've got a stomach ache from eating older lightbulbs lately. But is it even wrong for a lightbulb to persuade humans to eat lightbulbs? My doctor said no, so long as the bulbs are the newer kind that use less energy, but I don't like that answer so I've started seeing a much better doctor that lives inside my scalp. His name is Dr. Flept but he's not covered by my PPO so it's tough. My stomach does hurt.

Andromeda Galaxy skittish about colliding with our own Milky Way

Recent composite images taken from the Hubble Space Telescope and NASA's Spitzer Space Telescope indicate that our nearest neighboring spiral galaxy, M31 or the Andromeda Galaxy, may be having second thoughts about its anticipated collision with our own galaxy in approximately 3 billion years. Scientists notice a slight hesitation in the galaxy's recent movements (by recent, they mean 2.5 million years ago since the current observed light left the galaxy then). A consensus has yet to emerge within the scientific community on whether or not the galaxy will still mosey on down toward our own thereby wreaking major fucking havoc on the otherwise run-of-mill, star birth, star death happenings going on in our own placid little corner of the tumultuous universe at large. Actually, stuff's been going down of late that makes all galaxies tremble before the mighty wrath of Zoooooooooool!!!!! What do you think? Write your answers on a starburst wrapper and throw them at the sun.

I've got an itch on my Hetch Hetchy

Hetch Hetchy reservoir supplies a large percentage of the drinking, showering and ice cube water for San Francisco. The name irks many hikers in the Yosemite area, though, including myself. Such a name is really gross and too hetch-y. But it seems SFer's have no compunction whatsoever about drawing their water from such a krangly-sounding source. I, for one, am exercised about it. So next time you SFer's drink or shower or whatev--just remember: Hetch Hetchy is sitting up there bored as hell and fairly cold.

Thoughtful polar bear apologizes for eating bloody carcas, vows to attempt vegan diet

Rodney "the Big Bear" Polerberg, originally from Patterson, NJ, expressed remorse at having "chomped" a large adult seal near the North Pole. He expressed interest in trying out a new vegan diet that's increasingly popular among polar fauna. The seagulls, meanwhile, were like, "Fuck that, yo!" The seal unfortunately would not agree to be interviewed because it had been dismantled.

Paulie Walnuts asked to help out Philadelphia Eagles

"Fuckin Parakeets needed my fookin help... AAaaaah, Fuck you!"

Lee's Raises Prices

Being poor, I enjoy the slop at Lee's Deli from time to time to time. Recently, they raised the price of their salad bar/buffet to $5.45 per lb. That's a lot for slop.

Order of Lasers

I'm sure that San Francisco's energy is supplied by lasers, though I'm not sure what the yellow one does.
The red ones make the bakeries smell fresh.
The blues are what allows laundromats to stay open past 8.
The gaps between the lasers serve a dual purpose, causing scandals and vocal harmonies.

Gonzalez In New Photo!

Embattled Attorney-General Alberto Gonzalez was recently seen smiling in front of the American flag, leading insiders to speculate that he's feeling great, and is still American.

TALES OF MY YOUTH...PART 1

When I was younger, my mom hired David Bowie as my babysitter. He made me call him "Jareth the Goblin King" and wrote Ziggy Stardust while he pushed me on the swings. My mom had to fire him when she found out he let me roam free inside the labyrinth. My mom just doesn't get rock and roll.

HAVE YOU BEATEN LEVEL ONE?

IF NOT GO $#%@&*! YOURSELF!!!

MAN-A-TEE

A young seal pup was able to rescue a very suprised drowning Manatee from the depths of the arctic.

"Happy Holidays" From Doobie Schlitz

Won't you please join us for hearth, home and happiness?

Ohhhhh... NOW, I get it!! I can finally sleep again.

Space-time distortion and frame of reference

Objects in a gravitational field experience a slowing down of time, called time dilation. This phenomenon has been verified experimentally in the Scout rocket experiment of 1976,[13] and is, for example, taken into account in the Global Positioning System (GPS). Near the event horizon, the time dilation increases rapidly.

From the viewpoint of a distant observer, an object falling into a black hole appears to slow down, approaching but never quite reaching the event horizon. As the object falls into the black hole, it appears redder and dimmer to the distant observer, due to the extreme gravitational red shift caused by the gravity of the black hole. Eventually, the falling object becomes so dim that it can no longer be seen, at a point just before it reaches the event horizon.

From the viewpoint of the falling object, nothing particularly special happens at the event horizon. The object crosses the event horizon and reaches the singularity at the center within a finite amount of proper time, as measured by a watch carried with the falling observer.

From the viewpoint of the falling observer distant objects may appear either blue-shifted or red-shifted, depending on his exact trajectory. Light is blue-shifted by the gravity of the black hole, but is red-shifted by the velocity of the falling object.

President Harding to address Senate today

President Warren G. Harding is going to speak out today about the teapot scandal, rumours of which are currently swirling around the country's media outlets. He's going to be translated into duck by a beautiful looking Mallard duck named Kevin. Film will not be shown as it has yet to be invented but the speech will be broadcast on the internet for a small fee. Goodnight.

Greenspan reaffirms his top four principles

Principle 1: Shout everything. When your voice gets tired, eat cantaloupe and continue shouting.

Principle 2: Be nice to cats; even if you're a dog person. If you're a dog person, right on, dude!

Principle 3: Manage your time effectively. It shouldn't take you weeks to research which shampoo you're going to switch to in a vain attempt to "shake things up a bit" for yourself.

Principle 4: Take chances...
Sub-point A: Try gulping things instead of drinking them.
Sub-point B: Attempt flight under your own power and with no safety net
Sub-point C: Insult someone very important then cover it up by turning into thin air
Sub-point D: Vote for someone you detest, then try desperately to void your own vote
Sub-point E: You get the idea... and if you don't, then you really get it.

G-d planning to recycle entire world

An extremely high pitched voice inside your correspondent's head (one of several) indicated that G-d himself is planning on recycling the entire world. "I'm interested in conserving Earth and it seems I can't do that unless I recycle it," said the voice, which claimed to represent "the divine will". Encouraged by increasing activism from grassroots "go-Green" movements around the world, the Lord is apparently looking to get involved. He has also expressed interest, in a relatively non-committal way, in getting involved in street theater for troubled youths as well: "I'm not sure, but I think I'd like to help young people act out their fantasies on the streets... in a safe environment, though. Actually, I'm not too sure about that idea--have to give it more thought. But it seems interesting. Sort of..."

Vegetarianism run amok (when followed to this conclusion)

Help.

Nacho Slumbre

Local taqueria "Pantalones Verdes" was temporarily shut down for serving narcolepic nachos to unsuspecting hombres causing premature siestas.

You Gotta Feel For the Guy

W Bush is not taking the news well. He's trying to pretend like everything's cool, but keeps bursting into tears during speeches.

It's going to be fine, George. You're STILL the president. That's right! Keep that chin up, buddy.

When all this is over, we'll have a catch. Just the two of us.