Another Olympic disappointment

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse for the beleaguered US Olympic team, we've experienced the most profound embarrassment of all. In a scheduling snafu, disqualified skeleton athlete John Oppenheimer took to the ice in the female figure skating competition, believing the event to be a fundraiser for slaughtered and displaced birds. The judges, this year comprised of rudimentary robots rather then corrupt eastern-bloc humans, assumed, incorrectly some would say, that Oppenheimer was Michele Kwan, who 10 days earlier bowed out of the competition due to groin issues. The robot judges, which were designed by even less sophisticated robots, were programmed to recognize absurd situations, but tragically not this one. In accordance with the flawed programming algorithms, Oppenheimer received a perfect score, but was unceremoniously zapped by lasers on the medal stand. For more on this topic, click here, but not before reading the rest of doobie schlitz.